Nicole at the Kauai Writer’s Conference in November

So many people groan when I say that I love networking, but it’s true. I’m insatiably curious about other people. Connection and community are my jam, and I find no greater joy than connecting people who might not meet otherwise. There’s a name for people like me - an uber connector.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just social, but I’m intentional on how I nurture relationships because it’s made such a difference in not only my work but in all aspects of my life. As a business owner, it’s helped establish key relationships with vendors and clients; as a parent, it’s helped me commiserate about different life stages with fellow parents (keeping me sane) and find the best camps and after-school programs from OG moms. As a startup investor and advisor, it’s helped me with the funding opportunities, resources, and Board positions.

A few weeks ago, at the Kauai Writers’ Conference, I was reminded why so many people find networking draining. It’s because they view it as “being on”, selling themselves, or like a quid pro quo. How soul sucking! That will exhaust you and inevitably lead to surface relationships.

So, based on conversations and observations at the conference and in my 20+ years of corporate and start-up experience, I’d like to offer a reframe to help.

Here are a few of my networking tips:

• Be human. This may seem obvious, but networking should never be transactional, like you are trying to get something from someone. Genuine relationships are driven by curiosity and an interest in other people and in how you can help each other at work and/or in life. That means a two-way street. So if you meet someone you want to build a relationship with and see an article or podcast they might be interested in, or know someone who might be helpful to them, reach out with that information (but to be clear, not your work). And if you go back to recent text threads or emails with people and all you do is ask for help/connections/resources or send your work, please stop immediately.

  • Everyone at the event is also human. If you are at a conference or in a professional setting (or even trying to connect with other parents), realize that the speaker or the go-to mom is another human. For example, you don’t need to pitch them at lunch or accost them on the way to the bathroom. Be respectful of other people’s space and boundaries. No one wants to be constantly sold to or feel like they have to be on all the time.

  • And resist the temptation to posture. It’s innately human to want to prove we belong in a space, but there’s nothing worse than a one-upper or name dropper, except maybe for that newly minted manager who really wants you to know they got promoted and have a team. Don’t be that person! I was unbearable when I first became a manager (I cringe thinking of how I behaved in my 20s with a modicum of power). Nothing reeks more of being junior than trying to ensure people know your elevated status. No one wants to hear your resume or credentials.

• Read the room. Tune into social cues and realize that many people are trying to make connections. If you start to see someone flash SOS eyes like they are in a hostage video, it might be time to exit the conversation or topics gracefully. A great way to exit is to introduce two other people who may not know each or excuse yourself to get a drink or food. Listen, we’re all guilty of this, and I did this in Kauai when I pontificated to a major male publishing executive how I don’t believe in imposter syndrome because it’s a construct to oppress women, particularly women of color, while quoting a viral HBR article from two fellow Seattle writers and ). Yikes! I should have stopped when his body language shifted, but I was in too deep, and it was like a horror movie where bugs (or in this case words) kept flying out of my mouth. The narrator, in my mind, was screaming, “Stop!” (Although, randomly, I ran into Jodi-Ann Burey at Padma Lakshmi’s Seattle book launch the week after my faux pas, letting her know about my hostage situation, leveraging her work, which delighted her). Eventually, I recovered, veering us back to safer conversation. Another tip: don’t get sloppy drunk in work settings. We had a woman who was over-served talking at a group of us for over 45 minutes at the hotel bar, and it was very uncomfortable. We actively avoided her for the rest of the week.

• It’s never one and done. Don’t put so much pressure on every interaction in professional settings. Nothing is ever one-and-done if you are intentional. In business school, it was always like Barbarians at the Gate when a CEO speaker came, and everyone waited for a second after the speaker finished before sprinting to the front of the room to speak to them. I learned quickly that rushing the speaker after a panel was fruitless unless it was for a quick thank-you, to introduce myself, and to move on. Instead, I’d send a follow-up thank-you note with a sharp, specific note about their talk that inspired, intrigued, or challenged me. Then, as appropriate, I might follow up again with an article or a connection that person might appreciate. No ask. It went a long way. It helped me cultivate genuine relationships, which ultimately led to more job offers than some of my peers. Because when I finally did ask, we weren’t strangers, and it wasn’t quid pro quo.

• Be gracious and expansive. Situations and relationships aren't winner-take-all, and shouldn’t be approached that way. If you are talking to someone others want to meet, be gracious and make introductions so everyone can connect. Being inclusive and bringing people into the fold only expands opportunities for all. Always take the time to send thank-you emails or notes to speakers or panelists, and texts or emails to connections you've made, to let people know you want to keep in touch. Don’t worry if someone doesn’t respond immediately or at all. It’s the gesture that counts.

• Nobody owes you anything. In pay-to-play situations (e.g., conferences, grad school, classes, workshops), there’s added pressure to maximize situations, which can lead to entitled behavior (sometimes unintentionally). Be cognizant of this and realize you are meeting people who have whole lives (just like you) outside of whatever event or group you are a part of together. Everyone is busy and doing the best they can with limited time in the day. I’ve been on both sides of this power dynamic, and it’s painful as an investor when entrepreneurs behave in overly familiar ways with me or believe we have more than a parasocial relationship. I’m empathetic, but it’s an immediate turnoff. If you are respectful of my time and approach me authentically, I’m much more likely to want to chat and develop a relationship. And make it easy for people to help you when you do ask for help (after you’ve established rapport). Never ask someone to pick their brain; be specific about what you’re doing and what you want. For example, when I ask someone for their time, I request a smaller lift first (e.g., a 20-30 minute call or coffee vs. lunch), which gives people a sense that you respect their time. If I’m on a call, I confirm time restrictions at the start as well. A great way to smooth introductions you might want from someone’s network is to write a short, forwardable blurb that makes it easy for that person to connect you. Ask for a warm introduction. It goes a long way not just to have someone give you a name, but to have them tee it up. To take it one step further, I never introduce anyone to anyone through my network unless I ask both parties. I think it’s common courtesy, and it’s one of the reasons, in almost 30 years, I have only had one person ever tell me no. I respect people’s time and my network’s privacy. They feel it and know if I ask, it’s because I’ve vetted the person. If it’s a loose contact, I always let people know.

Please share your best tips in the comments so we can all learn and grow together, and forward these on to anyone you think might need unsolicited advice.

Happy networking!

Nicole